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Let's face it: We all know people who are irrational. No matter how hard you try to reason with them, it never works. So what's the solution? How do you talk to someone who's out of control? What can you do with a boss who bullies, a spouse who yells, or a friend who frequently bursts into tears? In his book Just Listen, Mark Goulston shared his bestselling formula for getting through to the resistant people in your life. Now, in his breakthrough new book Talking to Crazy, he brings his communication magic to the most difficult group of all―the downright irrational. As a psychiatrist, Goulston has seen his share of crazy, and he knows from experience that you can't simply argue it away. The key to handling irrational people is to learn to lean into the crazy―to empathize with it. That radically changes the dynamic and transforms you from a threat into an ally. Talking to Crazy explains this counterintuitive Sanity Cycle and reveals:
- Why people act the way they do
- How instinctive responses can exacerbate the situation and what to do instead
- When to confront a problem and when to walk away
- How to use a range of proven techniques including Time Travel, the Fish-bowl, and the Belly Roll
- And much more
You can't reason with unreasonable people―but you can reach them. This powerful and practical book shows you how.
- Sales Rank: #509834 in Books
- Published on: 2016-01-12
- Formats: Audiobook, MP3 Audio, Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 6.75" h x .50" w x 5.25" l,
- Running time: 7 Hours
- Binding: MP3 CD
Review
“By giving readers the words and theories, Goulston elevates a good book into a great one.” --Success Magazine
“…most conflicts in the workplace simply involve very difficult people who can make life miserable. Talking to Crazy offers much-needed guidance for those seeking a solution to these all-too-common conflicts.” --Soundview
“This is a great book for managers who know that some situations--a negative review, the announcement of organizational change--can bring out the crazy in anyone.” --Inc.com
“…explains why people act in unreasonable ways, giving insight in to the brain’s natural defense mechanisms and how to recognize an irrational person’s modus operandi.” --Industrial Engineer Magazine
“How can you survive all the cranks and impossible people that you daily have to deal with? Goulston describes their antics and how to deal with them in this delightful self-help book.” --San Francisco Book Review
“Common-sense advice and humor offered by Goulston…sheds light on mental health issues that are not discussed (but definitely experienced) in everyday life, especially in the workplace.” --Small Business Trends
"Finally! The book that helps you deal with irrational, impossible people." --Oprah’s Book Club 2.0
“Psychiatrist and power-blogger Mark Goulston presents the gift of his latest book to anyone who has ever dealt with bullies, whiners, manipulators, or screamers. Oh, wait, that’s all of us.” --Associations Now
"Talking to Crazy is a captivating, accessible guide to the many forms of 'everyday crazy' we face at work and in our personal lives." --TD Magazine
"…we all deal with irrational people and situations. Talking to Crazy contains valuable insights into these types of interactions...an important addition to anyone’s library." --Banking Exchange
"You've met the bully, the manipulator, the victim, the know-it-all, the backstabber. Dealing with these personalities can drive you crazy—unless you employ Goulston's methods for dealing with them." --Jim Pawlak, Biz Books
Audiobook Review: "In this entertaining audiobook, author Mark Goulston has compiled decades of his experiences as a psychiatrist to show how even a layperson can communicate successfully with the irrational people in his or her life." --Audiofile Magazine
"My only regret about this book is that I did not read it sooner, when it would have been very helpful in dealing with some ‘crazy’ situations.” --Vancouver Business Journal
Earphones Award Winner from Audiofile Magazine
2016 Audie Award Finalist in Business/Educational
“I strongly recommend that you buy this book…you will find it infinitely useful, no matter what profession or life situation you are in.” --PCB007
"…can help our work and personal life be less stressful, more productive and possibly save someone from doing something violent to themselves or others." --School Administrator
“Guidebook to dealing with the impossible people that cross your path. His suggestions can be put to work immediately. I know because I did. And they work." --Skip Prichard's Leadership Insights
From the Inside Flap
Difficult people can make life hard, but a select few can make it hell. The boss with nonsensical demands. The spouse who explodes at nothing. The overly emotional coworker, hostile neighbor, or friend who frequently bursts into tears.
Marriages, families, friendships, careers, businesses—crazy people drag them all down with their manipulation, volatility, and inability to see the world rationally. You can’t win by just ignoring the craziness or trying to reason with it. But you can stop it cold.
Top-ranked psychiatrist and communication expert Mark Goulston shows you how in Talking to Crazy, a life-changing book for everyone trapped in personal or workplace relationships that feel confusing, stressful, or downright hopeless.
Goulston unlocks the mysteries of the irrational mind, and explains how faulty thinking patterns develop. His keen insights are matched by a set of counterintuitive strategies proven to defuse crazy behavior, along with scripts, examples, and exercises that teach you how to use them. You’ll learn how to:
• Activate the powerful Sanity Cycle—which changes you from a threat to an ally
• Gain more control of interactions by identifying the person’s modus operandi (their strategy for acting out and making you feel crazy)
• Lean into the person’s crazy—since being rational won’t work
• Neutralize your own crazy (we all have a little) and stay calm in any situation
• Deploy 14 simple, effective techniques for talking a person back to sanity, including assertive submission, flattery, the kiss-off, and more
• Use the 8 tactics that specifically target the behavior of partners, teenagers, aging parents, and other important people in your life
• Call in reinforcements when you’re facing a serious disorder
You shouldn’t have to suffer through people’s crazy behavior. When the weeping, condescension, whining, withdrawal, or attack-dog antics erupt, Talking to Crazy arms you with a psychiatrist’s perspective and potent communication tools for handling the problem. Almost instantly, you’ll transform difficult encounters into productive conversations and forge workable, even warm, relationships with people who once drove you nuts.
Mark Goulston, MD, is a top psychiatrist, consultant, coach, and business adviser. Author of the bestselling Just Listen and Get Out of Your Own Way as well as other popular books, he blogs for Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; cohosts a weekly radio show; and is featured frequently in major media, including The Wall Street Journal, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, CNN, Fox News, and the TODAY show.
From the Back Cover
“If I had known that “‘talking to crazy’” could be so simple, I wouldn't have driven myself crazy all these years trying to do it.”—Keith Ferrazzi, author, Never Eat Alone and Who's Got Your Back
“This book is life changing. A must-read for dealing with the uncooperative and stubborn people in your life.”—Marshall Goldsmith, author of the New York Times and global bestseller What Got You Here Won’t Get You There
“Dealing with the irrational and impossible people in our lives is an idea whose time has come—and not a moment too soon. Talking to Crazy is the playbook that will show you how.”—Peter Guber, CEO, Mandalay Entertainment, and author, #1 New York Times bestseller, Tell to Win
“Simply brilliant! As human beings we’re fully capable of rational thought—and yet every day we deal with people who seem to be behaving quite irrationally. Whether it’s in our personal life, our work environment, or during our day-to-day activities with the general public, all too often we talk to someone and find ourselves shaking our heads and thinking, ‘This person is crazy!’ But now, with this breakthrough book, Mark Goulston has given us the ultimate key to finally understanding how to make sense of the ‘crazy’ and effectively handle the irrational people in our lives. On behalf of the entire human race: Thank you, Mark!”—Ivan Misner, Ph.D., New York Times Bestselling Author and Founder of BNI®
Let’s face it, we all know people who are irrational. No matter how hard you try to reason with them, it never works. So what’s the solution? How do you talk to someone who’s out of control? What can you do with a spouse who yells, a teenager who locks himself behind slammed doors, a boss who humiliates, or a know-it-all who annoys you whenever he opens his mouth?
In his book Just Listen, Mark Goulston shared his bestselling formula for getting through to the resistant people in your life. In Talking to Crazy, he brings his communication magic to the most difficult group of all: the irrational people.
As a psychiatrist, Goulston has seen his share of crazy. He knows that you can’t simply argue using facts, or tell someone irrational to calm down. When people are irrational, they can’t process that. Instead, the key is to lean into the “crazy”—to empathize with it. That radically changes the dynamic, instantly turning you from threat to ally. Talking to Crazy explains this counterintuitive process—the “Sanity Cycle”—and reveals:
• Why people act the way they do
• How instinctive responses can exacerbate a situation—and what to do instead
• How 9 common personality types act out their crazy
• When to confront a problem and when to walk away
• 22 techniques for halting irrational behavior, including Time Travel, the Fishbowl, the Belly Roll, the Split Second, and Coup Contrecoup
• And much more
You can’t reason with unreasonable people, but you can reach them. When meltdowns, hostility, intimidation, or other tactics of impossible people are making you crazy, use these powerful techniques to bring the behavior to a quick, merciful stop.
Most helpful customer reviews
65 of 66 people found the following review helpful.
How to manage “everyday craziness” whenever and wherever you encounter it
By Robert Morris
How to manage “everyday craziness” whenever and wherever you encounter it
As Mark Goulston explains, he experienced an epiphany years ago when he went to a meeting for estate planners who needed advice about helping families in crisis. "I expected the event to be a little dry, but instead, I was mesmerized. I found out that just like me, these people have to 'talk to crazy' every day. In fact, nearly every issue they discussed involved clients acting completely nuts...That's when it dawned on me that everyone -- including you -- has this problem. I'm betting that nearly every day, you deal with at least one irrational person...And that's what this book is all about: talking to crazy." That is, interacting with what he characterizes as "everyday crazy."
More specifically:
o They can’t see the world clearly.
o They say or think things that make no sense.
o They make decisions and take actions that aren’t in their best interests.
o They become downright impossible when you try to guide them back to the side of reason.
As I began to work my way through Goulston’s lively as well as eloquent narrative, I was again reminded of a scene in the Cheers television series when Frasier Crane, psychiatrist, patiently listens to Cliff Clavin, a mailman, babble on incoherently about the first Thanksgiving. "It took place between the ancient Egyptians and aliens from a distant galaxy." Eventually, Crane asks, "Cliff, what color is the sky in your world?" More recently, during the last holiday season at a party my wife and I attended, the host pointed out to several of us that very few penguins are left-handed. He was sober…and quite serious.
Goulston shares what he has learned about how to handle much more serious situations, situations that have potentially significant consequences if not resolved. "Maybe it's a boss who wants the impossible. Maybe it's a demanding parent or a hostile teen or a manipulative coworker or a neighbor who's always in your face." At one time or another, most people have encountered -- in an everyday situation -- a spouse or friend who screams at them, a child who says "I hate you" or "I hate myself," an aging parent who says "You don't care about me," someone at work who has a meltdown, and/or a supervisor who is a bully. These really are difficult situations that can be made even worse by an inappropriate response.
These are among the several dozen passages of greatest interest and value to me, also listed to suggest the scope of Goulston’s coverage:
o The Secret: Leaning into the Crazy (Pages 5-7)
o The Sanity Cycle (9-10)
o The Science Behind Crazy, and, Three Pathways to Crazy People (26-28)
o A Warning About Personality Disorders (37-41)
o Triangle/Silo/Triangle (58-59)
o The Eight-Step Pause (63-65)
o The "Oh F#@& to OK" Speed Drill (68-69)
In Sections 3-5 (Chapters 8-33), Goulston then focuses on
o Fourteen Tactics for Talking to Crazy (75-163)
o Eight Ways to Deal with Crazy in Your Personal Life (165-210)
o What to Do When Crazy Is Actually Mental Illness (211-252)
One of Goulston’s most valuable insights stresses the importance of following a process that is easy to chart but for most of us, very difficult to follow: “The Sanity Cycle”:
1. Recognize that the person you’re dealing with is unwilling and/or unable to think rationally/be reasonable in the current situation.
2. Identify that person’s mo0dus operandi – the specific ways(s) that person acts out their craziness.
3. Don’t take the craziness personally. Realize that it isn’t about you. Rather, it’s all about the person who is obviously very upset and probably angry.
4. Talk with the irrational person, leaning into the craziness by entering the other person’s world calmly and with an intention to be helpful.
NOTE: All of the major research studies (at least of which I am aware) indicate that during a face-to-face interaction, about 80% of impact is determined by tone o0f voice and body language; only about 20% (if that) is determined by what is said.
5. Demonstrate your good will, that you are an ally rather than a threat, by listening calmly and empathetically but NOT, I presume to add, in a way that could be taken as condescendingly as the person vents. Make eye contact and listen with attention and (yes) patience as well as purpose.
6. Help to guide the person to a more rational way of thinking. By letting off steam, they may calm down and appreciate the fact that you care and want to be helpful. These are the whats of the cycle. Goulston thoroughly explains the HOW of each of them.
“The majority of the techniques I teach in this book follow these steps (although there are variations, and you’ll sometimes veer completely off this path when you’re dealing with bullies, manipulators, or sociopaths). That’s because the Sanity Cycle is powerful magic.”
Mark Goulston is determined to do all he can to "heal the world one conversation at a time" and hopes that everyone who reads this book will be well-prepared as well as sufficiently courageous to "help make that dream come true."
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
A Powerful Tool for Dealing With Problem People
By John Chancellor
While reading this book I recalled the short poem of Ogden Nash, “One would be in less danger from the wiles of a stranger, If one’s own kin and kith were more fun to be with.” It is a fact of life that at times some of our closest relations are just not fun to be with. You might say they are a bit crazy and tend to drive us in the same direction. If you have people in your life that at times act irrational, that you find impossible to deal with, then this book will definitely help out.
Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Talking to Crazy, is a psychiatrist who has devoted his professional life to listening to and talking to crazy. The book primarily gives guidance for dealing with the garden variety of crazy – the crazy you encounter with your relationship partner, your co-worker or your children or parents. But he does devote a section to dealing with the more serious mental issues and when you need to enlist the help of a professional.
The book is divided into five sections. In Section One, Dr. Goulston introduces the basic concepts of Talking to Crazy. In Section Two he invites the reader to face their own crazy – to do a little self-examination and understand how they may be contributing to the crazy of the other person(s). Section Three contains fourteen different tactics for Talking to Crazy. Section Four gets more specific and brings the Crazy down to the personal relationship level. Section Five covers how to recognize the need for professional help, the different levels of help, how to research and select a provider and how to get the person to actively engage with the process.
Dr. Goulston writes in a very engaging style. The book is fascinating to read because it presents so many real life situations – many of which most readers will be able to relate to. Dr. Goulston give enough of the psychology to help you understand the tactic but never too much to slow down or bore the reader.
At the end of each chapter is a "Usable Insight" - a short insight into what was covered in that chapter. Two of my favorite insights were:
"When you look into people's eyes with the sole purpose of understanding them instead of judging or maneuvering them, they no longer have a reason to keep their guard up." And "What you tell a person is less important than what you enable the person to tell you."
The tactics are well thought out and have been tested and proven many times in the author’s own work. While this is a quick and easy read, I doubt that you will be able to implement any of the tactics after the first read. I can say that I got a much better understanding of some people’s behavior from reading the book. But to put any of the concepts into practice will take a lot of study and a few “dry runs”.
I do believe that you can gradually begin to implement the lessons from Dr. Goulston and quickly see improvement in your relationships. But some of the hard core crazy will take a lot of work. Just go back and study the concepts and continue working.
I’ve recommended this book to dozens of people. Very worthwhile reading.
I was provided a review copy of this book.
17 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Maybe the irrational person isn't so irrational after all
By Russell Bishop
We all know what it is to try and deal with the irrational person. The challenge is that the irrational person never views him or her self as irrational. Mark gives some great advice in this book, something that seems akin to playing Aikido with the irrational person. Rather than fight or argue, simply lean in, match who they are and redirect the energy into something more useful. In an odd way, its a bit like becoming their partner in order to help them learn a more effective way.
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